"Honey, I'd suck the fart out of your CAR SEAT!"."TITS for TOTS!" - Has a hand giving the middle finger."I need help making copies!, Ask me how?"."Tell your Boobs to stop staring at my eyes! " - Both "O"s in Boobs are replaced with fried eggs."I'm a Long Haired Spreadneck" - Another David Allan Coe reference."Ignorance is B, L, I, S, S Why Ain't You Smilin'?"."Put Your Head Between Your Legs And Kiss Your Ass, Goodbye"."Baby Rusty", "I didn't kill him and bury the body somewhere."."Do something with your life, GET AN EDUCATION!"."Do something with your life, TAKE OFF YOUR TOP!"."You'll get this hat when you pry it from my Cold, Dead Head!."Here, hold my hat while I have sex with your wife!!!"."VPILF" - Has a picture of Sarah Palin." The Fine Ol' Solution" - Early's "good solution" to remove the Mexicans a parody of the Nazi genocidal 'solution' for the Jews."LAUGH SO I CAN SEE 'EM BOUNCE" - O and U in BOUNCE are shaped like a large breast in a bra or bikini top."This Hat Contains Minimum 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Hats"."This Ain't A Hat, It's A Rag Top For A Sex Convertible"."When God takes a DUMP on your head, you just gotta craft it into a Hat!!!"."Guns don't kill people, I do!" - A bloody target sign replaces the O in do."got breast milk?" - Parody of the "got milk" slogan."Been there, Done That, Got this HAT!!"."My other hat is YO' MOMMA!" - Worn in the season three episode, The Appalachian Mud Squid: Darwin's Dilemma."I Support the Flattax Cause I'm FLAT BROKE!".Two wolves, in a forest at night, with an American flag waving behind the howling wolf while the other sits proudly.A spaceship labeled "China" abducting the word "Faith".The word "Faith" slaying, with an arrow, a big beast labeled "Science".A big beast labeled "Science" devouring a smaller beast labeled "Faith" with "ith" still visible.A larger Ichthys labeled "Truth", eating a smaller Darwin fish with "Dar" undevoured."Hooked on Darwin" - A Darwin fish caught on a fishing hook."Hooked On Jesus" -An Ichthys caught on a fishing hook."Gynaecologist Saturday Nights Only" - In Terminus Trouble, during his trial, Early says he owns this but it's not been seen.
"Do It To It" - Catchphrase of Plumber Bubba in the Bubba Trubba episode."God's Good Buddy" - Written underneath a semi truck with a cross on it driving out of the heavens seen during a Squidbillies bump and Giant Foam Dickhat Trouble.A bill connected to a donkey with a (censored) obscene protrusion of a penis that offends everyone including Squid Jesus."Swayze Crazy" - Written in red lettering on a pink hat with Patrick Swayze flexing right arm seen on an Adult Swim website ad."John Beer" - Parody of John Deere with the logo shown as a silhouette of a drunken anthropomorphic deer sprawled out among beer cans."I ANT WON JAK A LOT FROM THE SQUATTERY THE LOTTERYS SHOULD BE THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE I AYNT JACK SQUATTING A LOT Y THEY SHOULD RENAME THE LOTTERY TO THE JACK SQUATTERY CAUSE THAT'S ALL I EVER WIN IN IT!!!!!" - Written in pen by Early and presented to Dan Halen as an idea for a novelty hat.
"Support Our Troops" - American flag design with a yellow ribbon." GLUG" - The name of a blindness-inducing alcohol created by Early and brewed by Dan Halen."David Allan CEO Live In Macon" - Worn when Earley became CEO of Dan Halen Industries, a reference to outlaw country singer/songwriter David Allan Coe.A squid drawn in the shape of the Pontiac Firebird logo.Four aces drawn such that the ace of diamonds is on top and the rest (clubs, hearts, then spades) are fanned behind it.A stylized American Flag with a bald eagle's head superimposed seen in Chalky Trouble."I Love Cock Fighting" - Has the word "Fighting" appearing much smaller than the other three.May I Help You, My Child? - Seen on a combination pope/trucker hat, when Early still had his job at Mattress Christ.This is the complete list of every trucker hat Early has worn throughout the show's history, written in chronological order. Since the very beginning, Early Cuyler has worn different hats in almost every episode, usually representing a feeling he has.
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